IF YOUR DOG COULD VOTE

Almost certainly, most of us who love and admire dogs have asked ourselves this question: Given what I know about him/her, how would Waldo/Fifi vote in the latest election? Would my dog base the decision on the scent of the candidate? The character of his or her eyes? Voice? The degree to which the candidate cares for registered voter dogs as reflected in the quality of treats handed out at rallies?

Being a border collie, my dog Chelsea would I believe place her paw on the straight-ticket button next to Democrat. Not because I’m a Democrat, and not because she never hears anything from Fox News or Rush or any of the other fantasists cooking up fictions for their watchers and listeners.

No, Chelsea would paw the Democrat straight-ticket lever after considering the issues. She’s issues-oriented, plain and simple. Very focused. True, smell matters to her most. She’s almost blind and totally deaf, so a candidate’s smell probably would matter more to my dog than to other members of the canine electorate. But once she was actually in the voting doghouse/booth, I’m sure an off-putting aftershave, or too much garlic eaten at last night’s spaghetti-dinner fundraiser would not weigh heavily with my dog,

She’d vote Democrat for reasons related to self-interest. Take for instance health care. Republicans want to torpedo Obamacare. They want vouchers instead. How would this play out in my dog’s thinking?

Eliminating Obamacare would be the equivalent for Chelsea of serious cutbacks in drug benefits and physical therapy. Or walks. Her caregivers would need to devote more time to entrepreneurial efforts, less to strolls and trips to parks. Besides, parks are themselves luxuries that from a Republican perspective should get the axe. People without jobs hang out in parks, when they should be looking for work. Republicans would probably want to get rid of them (both the parks and the people), along with health-insurance reform. Or, if they kept the parks, they would do so in order to “drill baby drill” on public land, for more of the fossil fuel needed to juice entrepreneurial initiatives.

As for drug benefits, this would mean getting rid of the prescription canned food and probiotic powder we feed our senior dog for her aging GI tract. Chelsea’s staff—my wife and I—are no one-percenters, so in a Republican world, buying this stuff for Chelsea would be out of the question.

Speaking of stuff, Republicans dubbed Obama “the foodstamp president.” In fact, Bill O’Reilly said people like my wife and me just want “stuff.” That’s why we voted for Obama, because he kept us happy by giving us things. Things like a recovering economy, an auto industry, a monster terrorist’s head on a platter, and real hope that medical attention can become a basic right for all, not a perk for the privileged.

Since Chelsea has been pretty much on the dole since day one, I’m sure criticism of those who benefit from food stamps, and who extend the benefits to more people would not sit well with her. She would reflect on the neighbor’s cat, the one constantly scheming to kill birds and mice to supplement his diet. Not having run after anything in years, Chelsea would no doubt cast her vote for the candidate willing to keep the safety net in place for senior dogs, and for dogs down on their luck. Abandoned, abused and neglected dogs, or the ones you see sitting next to people at intersections who hold hand-lettered signs, the dog apparently the last friend they have.

Chelsea is a Democrat, I’m convinced of it. Without getting too specific, it may be that certain breeds of dogs, sadly conditioned to be vicious and aggressive, would apply their paws to the Republican lever. But that’s brainwashing—like listening all day, every day to Rush or Fox News--not basic dog nature. Given a real choice, free of nasty browbeating, I’m sure all dogs would side with Chelsea.


Barry Knister lives in Michigan. He encourages comments, and can be reached at www.barry.knister@gmail.com. JUST BILL, his short novel about dogs and owners is available through all major outlets.

www.barryknister.com